I hoped she did not dislike me, but I was under no illusions that she might remember me in any way fondly; that is, if she remembered me at all. I was but one of a procession; I provided extra food, drink, that day some tobacco, beyond that I did not exist for her. When I thought of the way money & dirt & the frenzy of human desire & the bitter aftertaste of life all come together when you buy a woman in whatever way, I felt dizzy like I was peering into an infinite black hole & losing my balance. I thought: it is not dishonest; it is the most honest expression of the whole infinite sadness of us all. I had willingly passed like quicksilver through too many women’s hands, but there was a reckoning. There was no absolution of love; no redemption in the idea that the world had shrunk down to just two people. For in her that day I knew myself to be absolutely nothing.
Random Passages is a random collection of memorable writing.
- Were you in love with her?
- During the first part of your life, you only become of happiness once you have lost it
- Your only chance of survival, if you are sincerely smitten, lies in hiding this fact from the woman you love
- They look so fine, and young, and wrapped up in each other.
- Christ, he thinks, by my age I ought to know
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